I started fighting a toothache last night. It has progressively gotten worse. Irritable is not the word that would describe how cranky I am right now. I am almost ready to show up at the dentist unannounced and demand that they rip these teeth out of my head.
Dentures wouldn't be that bad...
Sometimes I'm very aware of how new-to-town I still am. People really take for granted the fact that they know a place forward and backward. They take for granted that they know everyone and their business. I promise, (even after 5 years) you notice when you awkwardly realize you're the only person who doesn't have a clue where the old Ingles used to be or how Larry's mother's brother-in-law is related to Suzie's sister's second cousin who is related to Jimmy by a second marriage and how all of that is supposed to tell you who Laurie is.
In the past week, I can name numerous times when I meant to say something - and it sounded okay in my head - and it came out ALL wrong. Nothing is more embarrassing than... well, embarrassing yourself. I've been working on getting it right all my life. Apparently, I haven't perfected public embarrassment yet, because I'm still practicing. (Nothing like the sensation you get as you're falling face first into a pile of the cow pooh of shame.) What's worse? I'm still at the stage where everyone is still very impressionable as to who I am. During this time, it's a very tricky thing to open your mouth and let words come out. For one: It's very hard for me to do around new people. Seconds? When I get nervous, what I mean to say comes out ALL wrong - and it makes me sound dumb, conceited, jerkish, awkward, etc. etc. Thirds? I am fully aware of the fact that whatever I say will probably be burned into these people's minds forever... which makes first impressions super scary. (Seconds and Thirds scare the crap out of me too.) Who do these people think that I am? The awkward home-school girl? The loud obnoxious one? The ditz? The snob? As people, we try to put each other into these boxes. The fact that you never know who's putting you in which box is extra scary when you're still the new girl. What if someone puts you in a bad box before they even get to know you? What if they convince everyone else that they should put you into that box also? What if they're right? What if you really belong in one of those boxes?
It's difficult to remember, (but remember I must) that I don't belong into ANY box. (And you don't either.) The ONLY one that can define me is God. Who He says that I am is all that matters. And He says that I am HIS. I am LOVED. I am ADORED. I am FREE.
Being the "new girl" has never been easy for me. Making friends? Not my specialty.
But if I can say nothing else, it sure strengthens my friendship with Jesus. He loves me through my awkward moments. And since He actually knows my whole story, He can smile and laugh about those moments with me - even when it seems like there is no one else who can.
*Disclaimer: I am in NO WAY saying that I regret moving. I do NOT wish to move back to where I came from. I am NOT homesick and I still LOVE my husband with all of my heart. I feel that this is where I'm supposed to be. I'm just saying my husband and I work odd shifts and being new is more noticeable when you're in a quiet house with no one but the cats for company. LOL*
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