38, 39, 40...

Okay, here I am.

39 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

I apologize for no regular updates during this time. (If you'd like a visual image: imagine a zitty, extra puffy giant marshmallow.) I also apologize for not getting back to some of you on Facebook, text message, phone calls, email, etc.
To be honest, I've been a little bombarded the last week or so... so I've had to put away almost all media devices.

So here's an interview with me:
Beware. This is a grumpy pregnant lady post.

So, Beth... have you had the baby yet?
No. I have not had the baby yet. But then again... I could have already had her and I've just been hiding her under the bed, refusing to tell anyone. The world may never know...

Are you feeling any pains?
Yes. I feel pains quite often. My back hurts, my belly hurts, my boobs hurt, my privates hurt, my head hurts, my feet hurt. I really could go on and on.

I mean contraction pains. Are you having any of those?
Yes. Quite frequently. They are real and they are time-able. I am apparently in what you call "early labor." Unfortunately, I am not dilating. This can be quite frustrating.

Which means?
That while I'm almost completely effaced, and the baby is super low - I could go at any time! Except that my cervix is apparently the equivalent of Fort Knox... or an old door that is rusted (almost) closed... or perhaps Hotel California.

Have you tried...
Why yes, I have tried many, many things.
Pretty much, you name it - we've tried it... Everything but Castor Oil and Evening Primrose Oil. I do not plan on using either. I have talked to FAR too many women that say that those are NOT 100% because it didn't work for them. I will be wise and learn from other's mistakes. I have come to the conclusion that NONE of them work. They may help it along from B to C, but they do not appear to get you from A to C.

Have you lost your plug?
Yes. Two weeks ago. It was disgusting.

Are you Nesting?
I've been cleaning for two weeks. I decided to give up already. Who cares if the house is messy?

Well, at least you have time to enjoy your sleep.
Bull Hockey. I sleep in 1.2 - 3 hour increments. Sometimes I wake up because of a contraction. Many, many times I wake up because I have a never ending supply of pee. After which, I cannot always just "fall back asleep." I have gotten quite good at solitaire. I really think having a baby would be better company though. You cannot cuddle with solitaire. You cannot cover solitaire with kisses. You cannot squish solitaire's fat little cheeks. Solitaire does not smell good. You cannot play dress up with Solitaire.

Well then, at least you can enjoy going out and being young with your husband!
You obviously do not know me or my husband. (You also must not know how it feels to be the size of a blimp.) We do enjoy spending time with each other. We also enjoy staying home and being lazy, couch-potato bums. We enjoy watching movies and TV shows like The Price is Right. We enjoy going to bed by 9 and waking up early - and taking naps in the middle of the day. WE ARE the old farts that most young couples strive to become. (And yes, we enjoy it.)

How'd the doctors appointment go?
I cried. A lot. My cervix hasn't changed ANY. Thus, I was not able to schedule an induction this week due to the fact that it could make my risk of a C-section go up. My blood pressure was up, up, up - so they sent me home with a 24 hour urine test. (BTW NOT FUN.) Prayerfully, I will be able to get an end-date by the end of the week. It's quite discouraging to not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Thankfully, everyone at my doctors office is quite nice and doesn't seem to mind if I cry like a crazy lunatic.

Any last thoughts for the morning:
Yes. I understand that I sound ungrateful. I promise that I am not. I love my baby and I want the very best for her. I promise, no one is more anxious or excited about the birth of my baby. I cannot wait to hold my baby - and to watch my husband hold and love our baby.

I've read lots of posts about women who love being 40 weeks pregnant - who wish that they could be pregnant forever. Plus, carrying your baby all the way to 40 weeks has SO many benefits for your baby.

To those women, I would like to say: Smoking weed is not suggested during pregnancy. (Or ever.)
So, go stuff a cookie in it (but not mine - go get your own.) and find someone else to whom you can spout insanities.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the crazy one in the corner crying, stuffing my face with unhealthy foods, and bouncing on the giant ball.