The hardest part of pregnancy

Warning: this is kind of ramble-y and may only make sense to me... but I'm kind of using my blog as my pregnancy diary, so bear with me.

I have read article after article about how pregnancy makes these celebrity women (and some normal women) feel extremely feminine, strong, empowered, etc. Some women find enjoyment in "milking it" and having help... and some women become the kind, motherly type to everyone.

I do not, and have not, felt this way at all.

Don't get me wrong, pregnancy has it's perks. I love my little baby more than I could ever express. I love watching her roll and squirm around. I love just sitting in her room and dreaming of what it will be like in just a few short weeks. I stare at her ultrasound pictures and wonder what she'll look like. I cannot express how crazy in love I am with this little girl... and I pray that I am blessed to have more children down the road.
But at no point in my life have I ever felt more weak, more fearful, more vulnerable, and more insecure. I'm always second guessing... always thinking twice.

Before, if I couldn't find help, I'd just do it myself.
50lb bags of feed or a 40lb box that needs to be moved?
Before: So what?
Now: What if I hurt myself or my baby? What if I do something and have to be put on bed rest? I need to work - not only for the money but for my own sanity!

Dangerous Medicines?
Before: No problem.
Now: Just one drop of this touching me could kill her... and I would never forgive myself... better call and wait for help.

The chance that someone could hit me?
Before: Go ahead. I'll hit you back.
Now: What if they hit my baby?

Petting a cat?
Before: What's wrong with that?
Now: I don't know where this cat has been... what if it's covered in poop? (Aka, cat poo can carry a toxin that can cause deformities or miscarriages.)

Drinking this or eating that?
Before: No second thoughts in mind.
Now: Is this safe to eat? Would it hurt her? Would I be willing to trade my child's life for a sandwich?!?!

Leading a couple of horses through the pasture?
Before: IF I get kicked or stepped on, it'll hurt but it'll heal. No biggie.
Now: Protective amniotic fluid vs a 1500lb animal... you do the math.


The "Now" thoughts started kicking in at about 7 weeks into pregnancy, and I started having trouble living out all of the things that Jesus and Momma taught me so patiently through the years. (You know... patience, kindness, gentleness, etc.)
I realized that I wouldn't be able to do many of the things I did before... that I needed people. I needed help. I couldn't do it all on my own even if I wanted to do so. I realized my body was no longer my own and that what wouldn't necessarily hurt me, could hurt her.

My doctor warned me that pregnancy could make me tad more aggressive. I didn't understand at the time, but now I do. The best way that I can explain it is like this:
They say that having a baby is like wearing your heart on the outside. Well, currently, my heart is a visible bulge right around my belly button... and it's one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. It's like wearing your weak spot where everyone can see. (Believe me, people become scarier when you have to trust that no one will use that to their advantage. I don't know about you, but I've studied my history, and I've learned enough to know that there is a reason Jesus came to save us... we aren't naturally good. We're naturally selfish, butt-headed, meanie-pants.)

Teddy Roosevelt said to speak softly and carry a big stick. Before, I figured if I needed to, I could beat the dookie out of someone. (Or at the very least get enough licks in so that they could see that I meant business.) But, once pregnant, my "Big Stick" became my husband. When he is around, he takes the lead and I am not ashamed to say that I hide behind him more often than not. (You have no idea how much I thank Jesus daily for that man.) I can cry on him, I can have trouble getting up, I can ask him for help, and I know that he isn't going to take poop off of anyone. (Heck, even in my dreams I tell people that if they don't leave me alone I will call my husband on them... and they will regret it!)
BUT I'm not always around my husband. I cannot tote him around like a security blanket/security guard. So, without realizing it, I turned to my old defense mechanism.  I became the lady from the Crabby Road comics. Some days I hear my Papa (Daddy's Daddy.) in my head... and my Grandma (Momma's Mom.) come out of my mouth. (There are some of you who understood that better than others.) (Don't get me wrong, I love my family.) I have perfected the scowl... and I can be down-right mean. (One of the reason's I originally thought I was carrying a male child in my womb... the aggressiveness can be kind of scary some times.)  It's like being 15 again... It takes a lot more prayer to use my filter. I have to be aware of what is about to come out of my mouth, I have to control my breathing to help control my blood pressure, I have to use a rational thought process throughout the day, and I have to choose to see people as Jesus sees them... and how He sees me. (Believe me, I don't see how He puts up with us sometimes... we really can be a bunch of moron's.) It's become a very conscious process.

I thought I was doing so good... but Jesus has used pregnancy to show me just how far I have left to go. I thank Jesus that He is a forgiving God... because Lord knows I'm far from perfect. Bright side: (You know, I've discovered that I say that a lot...) Not a single time in my life have I not learned and grown from stuff like this. And though I don't enjoy it at the time, and I don't always see where it's helping, I understand and appreciate it later. I just hope and pray that what He is trying to teach me sinks in my bull-head.