You've heard the symptoms:
Pregnancy will make you a more passionate, caring person. Suddenly all of your senses are hightened - so anything that is good now, is even more amazing! (So that chocolate you think it heavenly now... once pregnant, you will think God handed you from His personal kitchen.) Your hair will become long, thick, volumous, and luxurious. Your skin will begin to "glow." You will have a bond with your child from the very moment of conception. Those movements are like sweet little butterflies stirring in your tummy.
All in all, other than some occasionally uncomfortable sickness and tiredness you will suddenly become Heidi Klum.
What a glorious thing as the pregnant female!
If you are thinking about having a baby, stop reading there. (Really, come to the bright side - we really do have cookies - and they taste even better than before!) You may also stop reading if I just described your pregnancy, if you are male, or under the age of 13.
If you have been pregnant or need a little bit of birth control, read on! (But have a chill pill, a cookie, and don't judge me... I'm just being honest about my current situation.)
What they DON'T tell you is that...
You're passionate, yes. To the point that after five phone calls, you must resist the urge to slam your headset repeatedly into the counter. You cry over songs, TV commercials, movies, books... Darn it! You cannot help that Disney thought it would make a good story line to kill off Simba's dad, or throw Dumbo's mother in jail! There are starving kittens out there!! And is it really your fault that the stinking pickle jar lid is sealed too tightly??? Or that they planted tomato fields on both side of your house?!? Don't they know its summer, you're pregnant, an you hate flies and tomatoes?? How could they do this to you?!!! (Do any of this? Me?? Noo... Of course not...)
Senses heightened? Why yes, when it's good - it's really good. But if it stinks, you barf. If it's bad, you gag. (And probably cry on both accounts.)
Yes your hair will be more long, luxurious, volumous, etc. For some of you though, your hair will seem to fall out on a daily basis. That amazing hair they were describing was actually your belly hair. (You will step into the shower one day and freak out twice.)
Glowing skin? Maybe because you have enough pink and red little zits to make a 13 year old boy sigh with relief... Because at least his problem acne isn't as bad as the hot mess you've got going on.... You sweat a lot more too. You also drool - and not just when you're sleeping... Though that does seem to intensify. Lessons: concealer, baby-safe zit cream (lots of reading, try to avoid freak outs.), and do not get to exuberant when speaking, nor do you bend your head and leave your mouth slightly open.
You don't always bond with your child at conception. (This is no way makes you a bad mother.) In fact, there may come a time when you tell your husband (and your boss) that if you didn't know you were pregnant, you'd be sure you were dying. (For real, type in some honest symptoms from pregnancy and see what WebMD tells you.) Sometimes, you can be scared to get your hopes too high or too attached to your own child... But it comes anyway. They don't ask sweetly if they may have your heart... They barge in a rip it out for perminant possession... Don't worry, you won't notice - you'll think its sweet.
Those sweet little flutters you hear tell about, sometimes never start as butterflies. Sometimes they don't start at gas bubbles. Sometimes your child was taking it more as a Muhammad Ali thing, than a flight of the monarch's thing... Occasionally, those movements may make it really hard not to pee yourself. (No pads for 9 months woo-hoo!! Wait, what do you mean I might pee myself in public?!?) And while there is no feeling compared to your sweet child rolling and kicking, there is also no feeling compared to getting whacked in the hoo-ha (from the inside) 40 times a day. Maybe getting hit in the urethra is worse, but awkward it is. Especially when it's multiple times and you're trying to have a serious conversation with a male customer about products and billing... And why they should want to talk to you, since you're a knowledgeable, together, logical adult.
You discover that there are foods you can't eat, you can't tan (even the spray kind... So looking like Heidi just flew out the window) and those cute pregnancy clothes you dreamed about? Yeah, they won't fit for a few months... But then neither will any of your old clothes. Once you can fit into those stylish mom-to-be get-ups, you discover that for payment, they require your firstborn child. ($99.50 on the SALE rack?!??!!!!)
Nevermind the fact that anything a pregnancy book may describe as "mildly uncomfortable" is truthfully never quite as mild as they seem to make it out to be...
Now please do not get me wrong, I am madly in love with this child. I sit and watch my belly move for HOURS. And any time baby moves I make Ben immediately drop everything and hold my belly.
I cannot wait until I hold my baby... Until I can touch those tiny little fingers and toes and smell that perfect baby smell... To change those diapers and soothe the cries and tears. I know it will be beyond difficult, but I don't mind... Because I know that (at least in my mind) my child will be perfect. People ask me all the time if I want a boy or a girl... And I honestly don't know. I just love this baby, and wouldn't trade it for the world.
I'm just saying, babies I understand. Pregnancy I do not. I cannot explain it in any way, shape, or form. And I have not met anyone who can explain it accurately. Really, there are no words.
But, I had some awesome advice given on multiple occasions. Treasure it and laugh about it.
I will be an impeccably funny pirate by the end of this.
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