Blowing the Horn

So, I took a video of Peyton last Sunday. (I would share it, but for some reason it won’t upload from my phone. You’ll just have to use your imagination for this one.)

Upon first watch, it’s no big deal. It’s actually a really funny little video. My child has pieced together what she has learned in her 15 months on earth, is an obedient child and does just what we ask her to do: blow the horn on her car. For Peyton though, “blowing the horn” is JUST like how we taught her to blow her food when it’s too hot. 

It’s funny to watch. I’m really proud of her! No one has really shown her how to blow the car horn and I feel like it’s really smart of her to piece those ideas together. It makes me happy, so I like to watch it on repeat. As I was watching it this morning, about the second go around, I noticed something I hadn't noticed before: the look on her face. Don’t get me wrong, I noticed her face before. This time though… looking into those tired, sick, little eyes… I saw it: The question, the pleading, and she’s looking directly at me:

“Did I do a good job, Mom? Do you think I’m funny and smart? Am I a good girl?”

Crap. Just. Got. Real.

I always knew she was this way about her Daddy, (The obviousness of what she thinks about him is as clear as the beard on his face.) but it never really occurred to me of what she might think of my opinion and approval. I feel so loved, honored, blessed… and more scared than I know how to articulate. This child is looking at me for love, validation, security, etc. And to be quite frank with you, there’s no way that I’m always going to live up to that. There is no way I am always going to be what she needs. There is no way that I am never going to let her down. Humans weren't made for pedestals – they will always fall. It’s really quite scary realizing I’m up here; because it’s not a matter of “if”  I let her down, it’s just a matter of “when." I don’t ever want to be a source of disappointment or hurt for her, but I know that it will happen. My only comfort is to pray incessantly, do the very best I can, and to know that in those times where I will fail miserably, that Jesus will be right there to pick us both back up, patch up our hearts and minds, and will bring us both one step closer to him.

Jesus, help me.

But on Saturday

Most days of the week, you have to be Mommy's big girl. There's no time for sleeping in. There are places we need to be and things we need to do. Most days Mommy's mind is cluttered with to-do lists. Most days we have to learn to eat like a lady, pick up our toys, and walk on our own.

But on Saturday's...

On Saturdays, I sneak in your room and take you to the big bed with me and Daddy.
On Saturdays, we sleep in. We snuggle, we cuddle, we giggle and laugh.
On Saturdays, I cook you breakfast and let you eat in as messy of a way as you want.
On Saturdays, we can dress and act like bums. (...Or princesses, whichever we choose.)
On Saturdays, we can take a bath whenever we want. ... Or not.
On Saturdays, I can hold you till my arms get tired - and then hold you some more.
On Saturdays, you can fall asleep on MY lap. And I will hold you for hours.
On Saturdays, we don't worry. We just relax.
On Saturdays, we run and play - and make a giant-er mess.
On Saturdays, I don't care.
On Saturdays, I try to breathe in the last of that baby smell. It's going away too fast.
On Saturdays, I just enjoy you being mine.

Saturday, don't hurry away. Baby, take your time and dream sweet dreams. I love you baby mine.

One year later...

How Far Along: Y'all - we made it ONE WHOLE YEAR! My sweet girl is ONE YEAR OLD!!

Baby Size: Well, according to Baby Center, I no longer have a baby. Apparently, I now have a toddler. I want to choke someone every time that I see those emails. I asked her the other day where Mommy's Baby was... she pointed to her 3 month old picture on the wall. I asked her where Mommy's Big Girl was and she patted her chest. Last night, I cried... a lot. (I'm not ready for this!) Peyton came over, crawled in my lap, hugged me and patted me until I stopped crying.

Total Weight Gain: Well, I'm now back to my pre-baby weight and Peyton is somewhere around the 20 lb mark.

Maternity Clothes: All packed and put away. (Except for a couple of shirts that were just too comfortable to part with. I keep telling myself that I can pull it off - that it's the stylishly baggy look.)

Stretch Marks: Got 'em. Amazingly, my belly made it through unscathed, except for one at the very bottom of my belly. My hips and legs ended up with the most of the damage. They're fading now, and they don't really bother me.

Best moment this year: Could I really choose??? I love it when she loves me though. Maybe it would be that morning when she picked up her head from my shoulder and intentionally kissed and hugged me out of the blue. That was pretty special.

Miss Anything? I miss her early days and 'nuggles. Oh my goodness, do I ever miss the snuggles. I also am missing a fair chunk of my memories. I cannot really remember much of the first 6 months. I really only remember what I have pictures of, and those are only of her. So unless you happened to be in a picture with the kid, sorry... Also, does anyone remember anything that I did last Thanksgiving??? That one seems to be gone completely - and it kind of wigs me out.

Movement: Lord have mercy! We're starting to RUN now! But it's so fun. While I miss holding her, there's something special about having her right up under my feet.

Food Cravings: Sadly, nothing tastes as good as it did back during those preggo days. But I'm so glad I can eat whatever I want now! She's eating too! (All those cravings I had back then, she likes now.) Also, super glad that she's not a picky eater. She likes vegetables! Whoo-hooo!

Started to show yet? Uhm... no. We've deflated. Well, she does have this cute, pudgy little belly that I just LOVE.

Gender: Girl. Duh. Boy is she ever a girly-girl! She loves 'shooos,' and jewelry, and looking at herself in the mirror. She also LOVES to be told she's beautiful.

Belly Button in or out? Mine's back in, and her's is sorta innie-outie.

Wedding Rings on or off? Back on! So glad for that one!

Weird Pregnancy Stuff? NONE! Though, the whole getting the hormones back to normal thing was rough.

Random Ramblings:  Words: Mama, Dada, Mommy, Daddy, Moo, Roof-roof!, shoos, tank-ooo, Mo, lo-lo, No, Hello, Hey, ga-ga, poppy, papa, me-me, I love you... and some other stuff, but I'm drawing a blank. She also can show you how old she is, knows how touch-screen's work, and she calls things she likes and wants to hold "Boppy." We don't know what that means or where it comes from. She's a smart cookie. She's beginning to love her Monkey, George. She needs to have him right under her every morning. Her Daddy calls her "Pootie." She responds to this from him just as she would Peyton. She likes animals and books. She thinks babies are weird. If babies cry she kind of looks at me like: "What the heck?" She has a great tan - people always ask where she gets it from. They're astonished when I tell them that she was born that way. (Oh my goodness... there is no way to sum all of this up!!!)

Looking forward to: it all. More hugs. More kisses. More cuddles. More sick days watching The Muppetts. More Bath Times. More everything.

Okay, so here are a few pictures from the past year. (By few, I mean somewhere around 100.) No particular order; most are not edited at all. (Meaning: they may be grainy phone pictures, you may see us tired, our house dirty, and me with no make-up.)

This has been the hardest - but the most wonderful - year of my life. I just want to share a bit with you.

Peace, Love, and Snuggly Stuff,
~Beth