Blowing the Horn

So, I took a video of Peyton last Sunday. (I would share it, but for some reason it won’t upload from my phone. You’ll just have to use your imagination for this one.)

Upon first watch, it’s no big deal. It’s actually a really funny little video. My child has pieced together what she has learned in her 15 months on earth, is an obedient child and does just what we ask her to do: blow the horn on her car. For Peyton though, “blowing the horn” is JUST like how we taught her to blow her food when it’s too hot. 

It’s funny to watch. I’m really proud of her! No one has really shown her how to blow the car horn and I feel like it’s really smart of her to piece those ideas together. It makes me happy, so I like to watch it on repeat. As I was watching it this morning, about the second go around, I noticed something I hadn't noticed before: the look on her face. Don’t get me wrong, I noticed her face before. This time though… looking into those tired, sick, little eyes… I saw it: The question, the pleading, and she’s looking directly at me:

“Did I do a good job, Mom? Do you think I’m funny and smart? Am I a good girl?”

Crap. Just. Got. Real.

I always knew she was this way about her Daddy, (The obviousness of what she thinks about him is as clear as the beard on his face.) but it never really occurred to me of what she might think of my opinion and approval. I feel so loved, honored, blessed… and more scared than I know how to articulate. This child is looking at me for love, validation, security, etc. And to be quite frank with you, there’s no way that I’m always going to live up to that. There is no way I am always going to be what she needs. There is no way that I am never going to let her down. Humans weren't made for pedestals – they will always fall. It’s really quite scary realizing I’m up here; because it’s not a matter of “if”  I let her down, it’s just a matter of “when." I don’t ever want to be a source of disappointment or hurt for her, but I know that it will happen. My only comfort is to pray incessantly, do the very best I can, and to know that in those times where I will fail miserably, that Jesus will be right there to pick us both back up, patch up our hearts and minds, and will bring us both one step closer to him.

Jesus, help me.