Dear Peyton,
Tomorrow, you will be 8 months old! Can you believe it?! I can't. It feels like it was only yesterday... and yet, it feels like you've always been here.
Some women say that they instantly LOVE, LOVE, LOVE their babies the moment that they find out they are pregnant. I hate to tell you, but it wasn't that way with us. Don't get me wrong, I did love you, but not the way that I love you now. Our love has been a growing-love. I loved you the moment you were born, but not the way that I love you now. Our love has been forged in the fires of war, and strengthened by a lot of prayer and time.
I've often made the comparison that your Daddy and I are war buddies in our marriage. It's us against the world. When I held you for the first time, I felt as if they handed me another war buddy. I didn't realize at the time how accurate that idea would be.
The fact is, all of this love was made through some tough moments.
Moments when I didn't know if I could wake up enough to walk across the house to pick you up at 2 in the morning.
Moments when I couldn't figure out WHY IN THE WORLD IS SHE STILL CRYING?!
Moments when I have had to hand you to your Daddy, cry myself to sleep, and just nap for a while.
Moments when I was scared that I would drop you, drown you, or damage you.
Moments like the first time I hit your head. (I cried for 2 hours; you didn't cry at all.)
Moments like the first time I had to bathe you by myself. (Just so you know, you cried every time I put you in the bath. You didn't cry when your grandmothers bathed you, just me. Want to talk about a confidence killer?)
Moments when you would seriously feed for close to an hour. (You always fell asleep on the boob.)
Moments when I would fall asleep with you on my chest... I'd wake up freaking out and crying because I thought that I had killed you with the covers.
Moments when I couldn't hear or see you breathing... so I would (again) freak out and wake you up. (We would both cry when I did that.)
Moments at the doctors office when I was desperately praying that you would have gained a little weight - and that they wouldn't tell me that you'd have to be back again in another 3 days.
Days when we never left the comfort of the big bed. (We watched a lot of Doctor Who those first few weeks.)
Moments when I have to chase you around to put a diaper on your behind.
Moments of anger and jealousy when you seemed to want someone over me - or if people acted like they knew you and what was best for you, better than I did.
Moments when your Daddy and I have thought we were going to go crazy because you would not stop screaming because of how much you hate being in your car seat for anything longer than a 10 minute trip. (Unless you're sleepy, in which case, you love your car seat.)
Moments when I honestly wondered if any of us would ever make it through this thing alive.
Let me tell you, child: it is tough.
But let me tell you, child: it is good.
Oh I love your spunk! I love your little mischievous grin - like the one that you have when I try to get you to say "Mama" and you say "Dada" instead.
I love moments like last night. We took you to Charming Charlies. It's a gigantic jewelry store filled with mirrors - two of your favorite things. You were in hog heaven! You smiled and giggled the entire time!
I love how you love to snuggle when you're sleepy. I always like to smell that sweet, soft spot on the back of your neck. (Mmmm... fresh, clean baby!)
I love rocking you to sleep.
I love how every night, you fall asleep rubbing your Daddy's beard with one hand, and your left ear with the other.
I love how when we took you to the beach for the first time, you screamed bloody murder and crawled up your Daddy like a monkey.
I laughed when your Aunt Kasie was feeding you your bottle and you literally kicked your cousin out of the chair with those mule-like legs of yours. You actually do love him. I love how much you love him. It's so sweet (and a little gross) how you two like to try to share your paci. It's so sweet how he gives you kisses.
I love how you never care if people change your clothes, paint your nails, or draw on your face.
I love how you are not scared of any animals.
I love how you're not scared of the bath tub or the pool - but you're scared to death of the water hose and rain.
I love how you just babble all of time.
I love how you growl at people.
I love watching your face when you learn new things.
I love how you love everyone in the world, but you love your Daddy and me the most.
I love how you like to pull things out of boxes and bags, but you like to put them back too. (Hoping this keeps up. Maybe you'll be a good house keeper!)
I love how every time we turn on your hopping bunny rabbit, you always get this HUGE grin - and keep looking back at us like: "Are you watching this?! Can you BELIEVE what that rabbit is doing?!"
I love all of the times that I rocked you to sleep to "Hotel California" or "Piano Man." (You never liked the nursery rhymes.)
I love how excited you get when you see me at the end of the day.
I love how much you love me.
Before, I loved you because you were cute. I loved you because you were small and innocent. I loved you because you were mine to love.
But now... Oh, how I love you now! You found your spot in my heart, and you bury yourself in there a little deeper every day.
Out of all of the babies, in all of the whole, wide world: you're my very favorite. Given a choice, I would always pick you. I couldn't imagine any other baby for whom I'd want to trip over laundry baskets at 2am. (And it's not just because you're incredibly cute.)
With Love,
Your War-Buddy,
Mommy
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