One of the biggest and most special things He is teaching me, isn't about Peyton - or even about myself. He is teaching me who HE is.
I have been wanting to write a few posts on this subject since I found out I was pregnant, but I find myself lacking in either the word or the time department.
I'm going to share this story now though, because I need to read it. Over and over, I need to read it.
Peyton isn't fond of her car seat. She's okay with it if she has a short drive, but you can hang long drives up.
The other night, we made a decently long drive to see a friend. (By long drive, I mean 35-45 minutes.) She was fine on the way there. She was out stone-cold. It was a much needed nap for her, and a relief for me... I hate to hear her cry. On the way home though, (Home: a place that she dearly loves.) I was not so blessed. She was tired. She was hungry. She hates that stinky old car seat. After about 10 minutes, the crying began.
I cannot begin to tell you how those little cries were tearing my heart to pieces. I would reach back and try to hold her hand. I would sing her songs. I called Ben and made him sing her songs over the phone. Multiple times I just flat out told her that we were going home. I told her she would get hurt if I took her out of the car seat. I told her it would take even longer to get home if we stopped the car and let her out for a bit.
She continued to cry.
She couldn't understand any of the things I was trying to get through to her.
She only understood three things:
1: I'm supposed to love her.
2: I put her in the car seat.
3: I am capable of taking her out of her car seat.
And yet, here I was - mean old Mommy - leaving her in the car seat. Couldn't I see she was unhappy? Didn't I care? Didn't I love her?
Yes. I love her. I cried because I knew my baby was unhappy. I just knew that for her safety and ultimate happiness, I had to leave her in that car seat for a while.
In the middle of my tearful explanations and apologizes to my child that refused to be patient and understanding, God painted a picture of my own life.
I've been there, (many, many times.) crying out to God: "You love me, don't you?! Don't you want me to be happy? Don't you want what's best for me? Why aren't you rescuing me? Why are you leaving me here? Why is this happening?" I cry and cry and cry... and then cry some more because I supposedly didn't get an answer.
First: While it's good to bring my anxieties to Him (1 Peter 5:7) - in these cases, instead of crying and talking incessantly, maybe I should calm down; maybe I would hear the answer. God doesn't always speak in a loud, thundering voice. (To be honest, I probably don't want him to do it that way. I'm completely sure that it would scare the living daylights out of me.) In 1 Kings 19:11-13, God spoke to Elijah not through the wind, fire, or even an earthquake - but in a still, small voice. Sometimes, I just need to shut-up long enough to hear Him.
Second: During those times, maybe I should accept the fact that there are some things that I am not able to understand. No matter how hard I try to explain to Peyton that she does not want to crawl down I-85, she will not understand. (Unless I put her out there, and I love her too much to do that.) She's not going to understand that the car seat that she hates so much, is for her protection. But I know those things. I must remember that there are some things and some times in life that I am either only going to understand later on - or I may never understand at all. I can trust that God is getting me to where ever it is, the fastest and safest way possible. He could be protecting me from something much greater than an uncomfortable momentary necessity.
Third: He hears my cries - and he cares. I'm his child. I believe that my cries break his heart - and that he will step in in a mighty way, when it is in my best interest. He doesn't want me unhappy any more than I want to be unhappy. He does want what is best for me, though - and since I don't always understand what's best for me, this means that I'm going to be unhappy some days. But I can rejoice in the fact that it is only for a little while - there is a greater joy on the other side.
Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing in his sheaves with him.
- Psalms 126: 5-6
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
- 2 Corinthians 4:17
Jesus answered him, "What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand."
- John 13:7
