Well, it's been a while.
I've actually done two blog posts since Peyton was born - both on my labor and delivery story - but I never published them. I couldn't get the words right.
I haven't been able to get the words right in quite some time.
Oh they've been floating around in my head - but they were more of a jumbled, muddy mess than they had been.
I'll be honest: I've been tired. I've been confused. And for a while, I lost my joy.
My pregnancy and labor and delivery was THE PERFECT textbook pregnancy. I had no complications. I had a healthy, happy baby. I healed quickly. I didn't have postpartum depression - or even the 'baby blues.' Everyone was really amazed.
Yet, I let Satan tell me some lies... which I listened to and believed.
For some reason, I felt that my world suddenly had to be perfect. The nursery had to be perfect. I had to loose weight. I had to look pretty. I had to be just as good at my job as I was before. I had to be a perfect mom. I had to have a clean house. I had to... I had to... I had to...
Yeah, the list could go on. I could bore you all day with my insanities.
Maybe it stemmed from pride, maybe it stemmed from fear of change, maybe it stemmed from my need to control everything. I guess the why doesn't matter.
There's one problem: You CAN'T do all of those things. I CAN'T DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
I'm now convinced that people who say they can, are liars.
People raved over how much weight I had lost.
- I wasn't eating.
People raved over how much my baby loved her Daddy - and would rather him hold her than me.
- He was the main one taking care of her.
People raved over how much I was getting out and about.
- I didn't want anyone to see my house.
People raved over how I was just jumping back into work and getting there early and staying late.
- I was burying myself in it. I would go home and cry all over Ben and go to sleep.
Since people kept telling me how great I was doing, I must be doing great! Except that I wasn't.
I couldn't do all of those things - but I was trying. Thus, everything was falling apart.
I was drowning.
I hum.
A lot.
I hum old hymns. One in particular. I can never tell you the name of it - It only comes to me when I hum it. I cannot tell you the words - unless I'm singing it. The humming starts at random times. Usually when I'm happy. But I couldn't find the tune anymore, so...
I stopped humming.
I write.
A lot.
Though I may not be any good, I like to write. It honestly makes me happy. It helps me think and make sense of the world.
But I couldn't find the words anymore, so...
I stopped writing.
Blessedly, I have a good husband.
I have a sweet baby.
I have wonderful family.
I have a Great God.... and He was going to pull me back from the dark place I was headed, even if He had to break me to do it.
I couldn't do it anymore. So I did the only thing that I could do - I started praying.
I know that when you start praying, things happen.
I knew I needed some help. I also knew that sometimes healing is easy.
... and sometimes, it hurts.
I had gotten to the point where I didn't care. I just couldn't stay where I was.
God started speaking to me through Bible verses. One verse in particular kept popping up: Luke 22:31-32
I'm not Peter, so that was a little scary. But I was encouraged. I knew I had a fight - but I have Jesus on my side. I would (and will) pull through this - and be all the better for it!
Last weekend, I had my first real weekend with my baby. We stayed home alone. We rocked, played, prayed, and read some Beth Moore. I spent some quality time with my husband. I was able to clean my house a little, and I got some sleep. Not the toss and turn sleep - no, REAL sleep! I feel as if I'm awake! I can breathe again! God has reminded me (Again - It's easy for me to forget.) what is REALLY important in life.
He reminded me of my dreams and my purpose.
Life is not about having fancy clothes, perfect make-up, clean houses. It's not about 8-5 jobs. It's about people - and loving, enjoying, and helping them the way that God loves, enjoys, and helps us. It's about enjoying, appreciating, and being content the little things that He has blessed us with!
... and we have been blessed with so, so much.
So, there's the truth.
I covet your prayers.
Thanks for your time.
Now, I'm going to go watch some Dr. Who with my favorite husband and daughter.
Happy Saturday, everyone.
